Much too small.

LIFE.

It becomes so real sometimes. More real than I can ever accept.

I just found out that my stepbrother, Dean, has stage 3 liver cancer.
I'm so selfishly angry right now. I am sure as it begins to sink in, I will think of someone other than myself... But I am infuriated. This is the first time I have ever felt like I had a family... and now it's being taken away. I waited my entire life to belong to someone, to a home, to a family. Here I am...
My brother, who doesn't want to do chemo...
My stepmother, who has congestive heart failure, and a man made device to make her heart beat... whose defibrulator went off twice this week...
My father who can hardly walk, and will be in a wheelchair soon, and is a fierce alcoholic.

I just don't know how to lose what I barely had.
It has taken a year to learn to love them, to feel as if I belong.
Dean is in his 40's. He's so young. A dashingly handsome man. Has a 12 yr old daughter he just met a year ago. When I was a little girl (this will completely give away my age :) ) He taught me the Salt n Pepa song, "Let's talk about sex" and I didn't believe him that it was a real song. Then I was convinced it was a country song. . . That's the only memory I have of him, before my father disappeared. Bless his heart.

Cancer.
Such an angry word. Takes my breath away just to read it across the screen. Such an evil entity to come and rob every innocence, life, and future anyone once had.

I don't know much about cancer. My mother's parents died when I was 10. I know there are 4 stages.... 3 is so close to the end. This is such bullshit. It's not fair. He deserves to live just as much as anyone. Let him. Just let him live. How do I do this. . . I long to fix things. I want to fix people. And when I can't a piece of me dies as I stand helpless. I want to fix him. I want him to laugh and to smile. To run, to play with his new dog. To get married. To have babies. To grow old. I want him to live.

My heart is much too big to handle this.
Much too big.
And I am much too small.

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If i could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I could taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong,it's so truly right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms

Steven arrives in the States in 39 days.
I don't think I am ready for this. It is still so fresh, so raw...
I would have thought by now I would be better at this. I can hardly handle hearing his sweet voice, though I long to daily. I cannot fathom standing so small in his presence. So vulnerable. My castle walls fell down and I am exposed. I am still standing with my heart on a silver platter as if its worth something to him. They say you can't rush these things, healing takes time. I don't want to heal from this. I don't want to let him go. Things were not supposed to be this way. I had plans. I had a life...planned. A life for us. To swell and shrink through the tides of life. Together.
I now know we could never be together, even if he wanted to be. We are different people. Our foundation is shattered because we each hold individual truths. They no longer compliment each other. But to think of the days when I settle... when I raise my children...they will not be his. It is more difficult to comprehend than any scientfic equation, any philosophical ideal... I will not grow old with him. I will not be his wife. Surely it will sink in. It has to.

I am off to Friend's Thanksgiving, it will be grand!

<3

Life for my weary bones.

LISTENING TO: Violet Hill by Coldplay.

It is official.
History was made.
I am in utter awe of our country.
It is still a bit surreal.
Still sinking in.
Slowly.

We have so far to go....
My mother and I are not speaking because the truth finally came to an ugly head regarding her vote. She voted McCain.... with the mindset that "we" are "upper class" and it is "our money".
(Did she forget she is living in a motel 6, with no health insurance, receiving food stamps?)
I asked her on Wednesday if she watched Obama's speech after the election had been declared. I was shocked to hear the anger in her voice when she scoffed, "No, I don't want to talk about it... its just the way I was raised..."
WOW. The race card. My stomach churned as I wrestled with the thought that my mother would not support our future POTUS because of the color of his skin. I am sick now thinking about it. I thought we had moved past this. Sure there are people out there with this sad, sad mindset... but my mother? My very own mother. I am so ashamed. She blew up at me, claiming I have no understanding towards her. I sternly let her know I have understanding towards her, but I will not be tolerant or understanding of an ideal as awful as this. She might as well have said slavery was justified. She tried many excuses... she always does... I need to move on.... you get the picture. I am fuming at this point.

I will never forget November 4, 2008.
One of the most memorable days of my life.
I am so blessed to have been surrounded by my beautiful friends, huddled around a screen, where a humble man spoke life into my weary bones. Words of hope, strength, progression, and love filled the living room at Luke and Kerri's. Tears streamed down our faces as we knew we were a part of something monumental. I truly feel sad for those that are so focused on the loss of their candidate to have completely missed out on this once in a lifetime moment. I cannot wait to sit down with children of my own and tell them about the day equality and civil rights soared to a new level. I will never forget the feeling I had during the Primary caucus as I placed the call to enter my precint's votes for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. I was overwhelmed with joy and knew I held a specific part in writing history. We all did. Congratulations, America, you have come a long, long way.

Hot Mess

LISTENING TO: The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin
Men.
Frustrate me.

I miss feeling cherished. Cherished in any sense, not necessarily in a romantic sense. Merely, to know that someone understands the value of a friend, of a person. To know, they are careful with your heart... with other's hearts... and are not simply thinking about themselves ALL the time.
The audacity. . .
Tact.
Gone.
Out the window.

I am really so over it.


Annnnyways,
Last night after the tv on the radio show, I wanted pizza, so I stopped by Zubar to see Chance and snagged pizza across the street. Bob had already beat me there, so the three of us closed it down and then some. As if 2am is not late enough, the perks of being a bartender include staying even later. I believe we stumbled out of there at about 330? I was the only one who had to work the next day. And here I am. Quite the productive one. I look a hot mess. Poor Chancey got conned into buying me a flower from some jerk. It was dumb. And then, not realizing he was hussling the bartender, (apparently the guy comes in every week selling roses) hits him up for 10 bucks after it is already in my hand! This thing better bloom. I tried to give it back. It didn't work out so well. Also- Chance needs to stop stealing my wardrobe and awesome style. We had matching "upper westside Manhattan brims". My fedora is better. And I had it first. Bob is kind of amazing. And looks smashing with his new Xtopher'ed hair. I tell you, that guy can do some crazy things with shears and razors. Bobby, please work for Dr. Delphinium. I would like free flowers. You know. The ones they throw away b/c they opened up too much. Those. You'll see. I could never throw them away when I worked at Forever Floral. LOVED it. Flowers make my life beautiful. I have rambled too much, you probably already stopped reading. Shoot. I would have.
Love you all more than most things. Okay more than anything. That's better. But I do love music. Alot. Okay. Tootles.

P.S. I love Hampton.

Concert Junkie

LISTENING TO: Meg White by Ray Lamontagne

I have seen 36-3465983249561 shows this month. Actually, only 4. But it feels like that many.
Quite an eclectic group, I must say.
Oct21- Girl Talk
- Was fun, but would have been so much better at a smaller venue, with better sound equip, and had there not been a bjillizillion douchebags there. Granted I am 21, but the audience still made ME feel old, not to mention all of my friends. Greg also should not have catered to the douchebag's needs by playing lots of new hip-hop. I enjoy it, but his old stuff is sooooo much better. What happened to Fleetwood Mac? Urgh.
Oct22- Jack's Mannequin
- Bob and Christi. We had a blast. Andrew McMahon is simply amazing. I want to be his piano. I tried so hard to get Ayo to get me a date. It didn't happen much to my dismay. But hey- I threw myself out there.
Oct24- Ray Lamontagne
Meesh, Jen, and Benj! First I had the acorn squash at Dream Cafe. So fun. SOOO good. Ray's voice is decadence. Truly warms my bones. I actually cried during one song. So did the possibly cute guy next to me. He liked my shoes. After the show, we stayed out till 2:30 at this sweet little wine bistro/restaurant. Michael met up with us. I was a 5th wheel, but I loved it.
Oct28- TV on the Radio
SUCH A GREAT PERFORMANCE! I am new to this band, and I am in love. Its so great to see so many very talented musicians come together and create a sound completely original and absolutely profound.

Bruised

Listening to: Jack's Mannequin

I've got my things,
I'm good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it's done

We stood like statues at the gate
Vacation's come and gone too late
There's so much sun where I'm from
I had to give it away, had to give you away

And we spent four days on an
Island at your family's old hotel
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell, perfect...

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast.
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle
I take my pills, the babies cry
All I hear is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
Now every word of every song
I ever heard that made me wanna stay
Is what's playing through
The in-flight radio, and I
And I am, finally waking up
Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
Don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, yeah

So read your books, but stay out late
Some nights, some nights, and don't think
That you can't stop by the bar
You haven't shown your face here since the bad news
Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn't far
And hours pass, and hours pass, yeah, yeah...
Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised

I still can't believe we didn't make it...
That you are so far away.
Come home.

It wouldn't be the same.
I still sometimes daydream that you will come back.
That we will stick a band-aid on it and be okay.
I can smell you.
I have memorized the curves of your body from head to toe.
I miss you.

I am scared of December.
How do I let you go again?
I want to be over you, over us.
I simply am not.

Too girly to handle. Gross.

Again?! Ugh. So cruel.

Last night was, ... fun.

I am such a girl.

Really hate it sometimes.
Went to Waxahachie last night. What a town. I had to drive to Ennis for beer, LAME. (Might I add that my entire family tree and then a thousand more Slovaks live in Ennis.)
I had forgotten I had only eaten a handful of edemame beans the entire day, therefore ended up way to drunk off of way to little to drink, LAME. I apparently missed out on some great conversation and an entire movie. I did however watch this amazing movie with Maggie Gyllenhall (sp?) as a submissive secretary... SO GOOD. I want a love like that, haha. She was so persistent. Persistence is not something typically valued in the chase. Too bad.

The dog I was only to visit is now the newest member of my family.

Not quite sure how I feel about it,... but he is here. It just sort of happened. I was on the phone with Julian (of course) all the way up to Denton and he knew the entire time I would go home with the dog... because I "fall in love with every creature I meet". I suppose this is true. So much for self control. It really was tragic, though. These punk college guys were not taking care of him well at all. Within minutes I had learned that they gave him beer and weed. Its one thing to partake in those as a human... but REALLY!? Its an 8 month old dog. No need for drugs and alchohol. So here he is. He continually humps Will, and poor Will completely submits to this torture while I cry in horror. It really is a freak show at my house. Not to mention prior to his new crate, I left him alone for an hour and he destroyed my apt. Ugh. I should have known. He is completely potty trained minus the occasional spray in the dog toy aisle at Petsmart, but I no longer have working blinds, window screens, or a doorframe. I am getting it all replaced this week. Yayyyy. He still needs a name.

...Here's to the nights...