Much too small.

LIFE.

It becomes so real sometimes. More real than I can ever accept.

I just found out that my stepbrother, Dean, has stage 3 liver cancer.
I'm so selfishly angry right now. I am sure as it begins to sink in, I will think of someone other than myself... But I am infuriated. This is the first time I have ever felt like I had a family... and now it's being taken away. I waited my entire life to belong to someone, to a home, to a family. Here I am...
My brother, who doesn't want to do chemo...
My stepmother, who has congestive heart failure, and a man made device to make her heart beat... whose defibrulator went off twice this week...
My father who can hardly walk, and will be in a wheelchair soon, and is a fierce alcoholic.

I just don't know how to lose what I barely had.
It has taken a year to learn to love them, to feel as if I belong.
Dean is in his 40's. He's so young. A dashingly handsome man. Has a 12 yr old daughter he just met a year ago. When I was a little girl (this will completely give away my age :) ) He taught me the Salt n Pepa song, "Let's talk about sex" and I didn't believe him that it was a real song. Then I was convinced it was a country song. . . That's the only memory I have of him, before my father disappeared. Bless his heart.

Cancer.
Such an angry word. Takes my breath away just to read it across the screen. Such an evil entity to come and rob every innocence, life, and future anyone once had.

I don't know much about cancer. My mother's parents died when I was 10. I know there are 4 stages.... 3 is so close to the end. This is such bullshit. It's not fair. He deserves to live just as much as anyone. Let him. Just let him live. How do I do this. . . I long to fix things. I want to fix people. And when I can't a piece of me dies as I stand helpless. I want to fix him. I want him to laugh and to smile. To run, to play with his new dog. To get married. To have babies. To grow old. I want him to live.

My heart is much too big to handle this.
Much too big.
And I am much too small.