Much too small.

LIFE.

It becomes so real sometimes. More real than I can ever accept.

I just found out that my stepbrother, Dean, has stage 3 liver cancer.
I'm so selfishly angry right now. I am sure as it begins to sink in, I will think of someone other than myself... But I am infuriated. This is the first time I have ever felt like I had a family... and now it's being taken away. I waited my entire life to belong to someone, to a home, to a family. Here I am...
My brother, who doesn't want to do chemo...
My stepmother, who has congestive heart failure, and a man made device to make her heart beat... whose defibrulator went off twice this week...
My father who can hardly walk, and will be in a wheelchair soon, and is a fierce alcoholic.

I just don't know how to lose what I barely had.
It has taken a year to learn to love them, to feel as if I belong.
Dean is in his 40's. He's so young. A dashingly handsome man. Has a 12 yr old daughter he just met a year ago. When I was a little girl (this will completely give away my age :) ) He taught me the Salt n Pepa song, "Let's talk about sex" and I didn't believe him that it was a real song. Then I was convinced it was a country song. . . That's the only memory I have of him, before my father disappeared. Bless his heart.

Cancer.
Such an angry word. Takes my breath away just to read it across the screen. Such an evil entity to come and rob every innocence, life, and future anyone once had.

I don't know much about cancer. My mother's parents died when I was 10. I know there are 4 stages.... 3 is so close to the end. This is such bullshit. It's not fair. He deserves to live just as much as anyone. Let him. Just let him live. How do I do this. . . I long to fix things. I want to fix people. And when I can't a piece of me dies as I stand helpless. I want to fix him. I want him to laugh and to smile. To run, to play with his new dog. To get married. To have babies. To grow old. I want him to live.

My heart is much too big to handle this.
Much too big.
And I am much too small.

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If i could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips

Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I could taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong,it's so truly right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms

Steven arrives in the States in 39 days.
I don't think I am ready for this. It is still so fresh, so raw...
I would have thought by now I would be better at this. I can hardly handle hearing his sweet voice, though I long to daily. I cannot fathom standing so small in his presence. So vulnerable. My castle walls fell down and I am exposed. I am still standing with my heart on a silver platter as if its worth something to him. They say you can't rush these things, healing takes time. I don't want to heal from this. I don't want to let him go. Things were not supposed to be this way. I had plans. I had a life...planned. A life for us. To swell and shrink through the tides of life. Together.
I now know we could never be together, even if he wanted to be. We are different people. Our foundation is shattered because we each hold individual truths. They no longer compliment each other. But to think of the days when I settle... when I raise my children...they will not be his. It is more difficult to comprehend than any scientfic equation, any philosophical ideal... I will not grow old with him. I will not be his wife. Surely it will sink in. It has to.

I am off to Friend's Thanksgiving, it will be grand!

<3

Life for my weary bones.

LISTENING TO: Violet Hill by Coldplay.

It is official.
History was made.
I am in utter awe of our country.
It is still a bit surreal.
Still sinking in.
Slowly.

We have so far to go....
My mother and I are not speaking because the truth finally came to an ugly head regarding her vote. She voted McCain.... with the mindset that "we" are "upper class" and it is "our money".
(Did she forget she is living in a motel 6, with no health insurance, receiving food stamps?)
I asked her on Wednesday if she watched Obama's speech after the election had been declared. I was shocked to hear the anger in her voice when she scoffed, "No, I don't want to talk about it... its just the way I was raised..."
WOW. The race card. My stomach churned as I wrestled with the thought that my mother would not support our future POTUS because of the color of his skin. I am sick now thinking about it. I thought we had moved past this. Sure there are people out there with this sad, sad mindset... but my mother? My very own mother. I am so ashamed. She blew up at me, claiming I have no understanding towards her. I sternly let her know I have understanding towards her, but I will not be tolerant or understanding of an ideal as awful as this. She might as well have said slavery was justified. She tried many excuses... she always does... I need to move on.... you get the picture. I am fuming at this point.

I will never forget November 4, 2008.
One of the most memorable days of my life.
I am so blessed to have been surrounded by my beautiful friends, huddled around a screen, where a humble man spoke life into my weary bones. Words of hope, strength, progression, and love filled the living room at Luke and Kerri's. Tears streamed down our faces as we knew we were a part of something monumental. I truly feel sad for those that are so focused on the loss of their candidate to have completely missed out on this once in a lifetime moment. I cannot wait to sit down with children of my own and tell them about the day equality and civil rights soared to a new level. I will never forget the feeling I had during the Primary caucus as I placed the call to enter my precint's votes for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. I was overwhelmed with joy and knew I held a specific part in writing history. We all did. Congratulations, America, you have come a long, long way.

Hot Mess

LISTENING TO: The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin
Men.
Frustrate me.

I miss feeling cherished. Cherished in any sense, not necessarily in a romantic sense. Merely, to know that someone understands the value of a friend, of a person. To know, they are careful with your heart... with other's hearts... and are not simply thinking about themselves ALL the time.
The audacity. . .
Tact.
Gone.
Out the window.

I am really so over it.


Annnnyways,
Last night after the tv on the radio show, I wanted pizza, so I stopped by Zubar to see Chance and snagged pizza across the street. Bob had already beat me there, so the three of us closed it down and then some. As if 2am is not late enough, the perks of being a bartender include staying even later. I believe we stumbled out of there at about 330? I was the only one who had to work the next day. And here I am. Quite the productive one. I look a hot mess. Poor Chancey got conned into buying me a flower from some jerk. It was dumb. And then, not realizing he was hussling the bartender, (apparently the guy comes in every week selling roses) hits him up for 10 bucks after it is already in my hand! This thing better bloom. I tried to give it back. It didn't work out so well. Also- Chance needs to stop stealing my wardrobe and awesome style. We had matching "upper westside Manhattan brims". My fedora is better. And I had it first. Bob is kind of amazing. And looks smashing with his new Xtopher'ed hair. I tell you, that guy can do some crazy things with shears and razors. Bobby, please work for Dr. Delphinium. I would like free flowers. You know. The ones they throw away b/c they opened up too much. Those. You'll see. I could never throw them away when I worked at Forever Floral. LOVED it. Flowers make my life beautiful. I have rambled too much, you probably already stopped reading. Shoot. I would have.
Love you all more than most things. Okay more than anything. That's better. But I do love music. Alot. Okay. Tootles.

P.S. I love Hampton.

Concert Junkie

LISTENING TO: Meg White by Ray Lamontagne

I have seen 36-3465983249561 shows this month. Actually, only 4. But it feels like that many.
Quite an eclectic group, I must say.
Oct21- Girl Talk
- Was fun, but would have been so much better at a smaller venue, with better sound equip, and had there not been a bjillizillion douchebags there. Granted I am 21, but the audience still made ME feel old, not to mention all of my friends. Greg also should not have catered to the douchebag's needs by playing lots of new hip-hop. I enjoy it, but his old stuff is sooooo much better. What happened to Fleetwood Mac? Urgh.
Oct22- Jack's Mannequin
- Bob and Christi. We had a blast. Andrew McMahon is simply amazing. I want to be his piano. I tried so hard to get Ayo to get me a date. It didn't happen much to my dismay. But hey- I threw myself out there.
Oct24- Ray Lamontagne
Meesh, Jen, and Benj! First I had the acorn squash at Dream Cafe. So fun. SOOO good. Ray's voice is decadence. Truly warms my bones. I actually cried during one song. So did the possibly cute guy next to me. He liked my shoes. After the show, we stayed out till 2:30 at this sweet little wine bistro/restaurant. Michael met up with us. I was a 5th wheel, but I loved it.
Oct28- TV on the Radio
SUCH A GREAT PERFORMANCE! I am new to this band, and I am in love. Its so great to see so many very talented musicians come together and create a sound completely original and absolutely profound.

Bruised

Listening to: Jack's Mannequin

I've got my things,
I'm good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it's done

We stood like statues at the gate
Vacation's come and gone too late
There's so much sun where I'm from
I had to give it away, had to give you away

And we spent four days on an
Island at your family's old hotel
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell, perfect...

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast.
Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last?
This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle
I take my pills, the babies cry
All I hear is what's playing through
The in-flight radio
Now every word of every song
I ever heard that made me wanna stay
Is what's playing through
The in-flight radio, and I
And I am, finally waking up
Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
Don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, yeah

So read your books, but stay out late
Some nights, some nights, and don't think
That you can't stop by the bar
You haven't shown your face here since the bad news
Well I'm here till close, with fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn't far
And hours pass, and hours pass, yeah, yeah...
Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised

I still can't believe we didn't make it...
That you are so far away.
Come home.

It wouldn't be the same.
I still sometimes daydream that you will come back.
That we will stick a band-aid on it and be okay.
I can smell you.
I have memorized the curves of your body from head to toe.
I miss you.

I am scared of December.
How do I let you go again?
I want to be over you, over us.
I simply am not.

Too girly to handle. Gross.

Again?! Ugh. So cruel.

Last night was, ... fun.

I am such a girl.

Really hate it sometimes.
Went to Waxahachie last night. What a town. I had to drive to Ennis for beer, LAME. (Might I add that my entire family tree and then a thousand more Slovaks live in Ennis.)
I had forgotten I had only eaten a handful of edemame beans the entire day, therefore ended up way to drunk off of way to little to drink, LAME. I apparently missed out on some great conversation and an entire movie. I did however watch this amazing movie with Maggie Gyllenhall (sp?) as a submissive secretary... SO GOOD. I want a love like that, haha. She was so persistent. Persistence is not something typically valued in the chase. Too bad.

The dog I was only to visit is now the newest member of my family.

Not quite sure how I feel about it,... but he is here. It just sort of happened. I was on the phone with Julian (of course) all the way up to Denton and he knew the entire time I would go home with the dog... because I "fall in love with every creature I meet". I suppose this is true. So much for self control. It really was tragic, though. These punk college guys were not taking care of him well at all. Within minutes I had learned that they gave him beer and weed. Its one thing to partake in those as a human... but REALLY!? Its an 8 month old dog. No need for drugs and alchohol. So here he is. He continually humps Will, and poor Will completely submits to this torture while I cry in horror. It really is a freak show at my house. Not to mention prior to his new crate, I left him alone for an hour and he destroyed my apt. Ugh. I should have known. He is completely potty trained minus the occasional spray in the dog toy aisle at Petsmart, but I no longer have working blinds, window screens, or a doorframe. I am getting it all replaced this week. Yayyyy. He still needs a name.

...Here's to the nights...

Going to meet a Beagle dog.

LISTENING TO: Fool In the Rain- Led Zeppelin.
<--- this is what i look like when I sing this song. The weather this week has been glorious.



I am looking forward to much more of it!
Tonight I am going to go meet a beagle dog to see if I want to adopt him.

I have decided that Will Feral needs a friend


He watches Animal Planet all day and I am pretty sure he is tired of it.

The beagle dog is 8mos old and needs a loving home.
I am debating whether mine is the right one for him.
I am the girl at Starbucks or White Rock eyeing someone else's pet.
I envy those that sip and read with their trusty canine friend at their feet.
Or the girl running with puppy in tow. Seems like a lifestyle I would enjoy.
We will see.


"I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world I have to find..."


P.S. I love my job.

Just call me Left Eye.

I have a steye in my ... Left Eye.

My eye is swollen.

Lovely.

I spent an hour and a half at CVS trying to choose a remedy.

Nothing is working.

Yuck.

On a much brighter and less disgusting note, I picked a Halloween costume!

I CAN'T WAIT!

Watch out Liza!

AlSO. SMU just flew out the window yesterday. As did my happiness.

I thought I would be able to start fresh, from scratch, no classes, no college credits.

Therefore, no transcripts. WRONG.

I was quite persistent after that news... and was actually able to speak with the Dean of UNT...

of which I owe $5,466.15 directly.

Long story short, I was really sick my freshman year, was in teh hospital for a week, and still sick after. Didnt take out loans I promised to... forgetting about the short term money the school loaned me.

I did my best to stick it out during my freshman year... having no knowledge that I could withdraw midsemester.

Apparently had I given up and done that, the school could write off my debt and grades...

but nope. I was a trooper. It bit me in the ass.

Woops.

Live and learn, right?

BUT!

"I get by with a little help from my friends.."

Jules is helping me budget.

Hampton is helping me start an etsy store, and having craft night w me so I can stay productive.

I will hopefully pay this off, and then I can go to school!

***I am accepting donations***

I am off to Luke's Eric Roberson sign making party.

Labor in exchange for food and beer. Brilliant.

Of course I'll work for food.

love, taylor.

For Goodness' sake, Love.

Listening to: Viva la Vida by Coldplay.

Today was... long.
5225 Maple is being audited...
I volunteered to help out, so I worked on my day off.
Excel can...bug off.

I was exhausted when I got home, fell asleep.
Mom called and woke me up, and I had nothing to do really,
so I picked up a book.

One of six that I am reading.
If only I could finish one!

I just began Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.
I know, I know, I am a little behind... but I am catching up.
Slowly.

I am enjoying it, it's definitely an easy read. His style is entertaining, not so dry.
As far as his views on Christianity and the whole bit, ... well, we will see.

I am finding myself still very torn between the relationship I once had with the Church,
and the less Fundamental views I have recently begun molding to.
I realize it takes time. But this state of Limbo is a bit uncomfortable.
Not that I believe for one second, that I am on this earth to feel comfortable.

Religion itself is a game of Russian Roulette...

There is just so much out there...

I have so much to read to even begin to grasp where I stand on the basic issues of the Church.
I don't feel I am well rounded or well read enough to make an educated stance.
I'm getting there.

Anyways,
My whole point of bringing up today's events was to get into what happened as I was reading.
Its not often I can appreciate silence... or tolerate it for very long.
No matter how necessary it is- which I believe it to be very much so...
I am absolutely terrified of it. (That's another blog for another day)

Today, however, I was enjoying it.
And then it was interrupted.
Figures.

But what happened next still leaves my stomach unsettled hours later.
I heard my neighbors arguing.
I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, yeah... okay?

They are of an asian ethnicity, and were yelling in their own language.
As I was walking through the bathroom to pinpoint the noise... I froze.

My heart began to hurt.
Deeply.
What started out as a dull throb, quickly grew to a sharp and numbing sensation.
It literally hurt for these people. And not just this family, but for all of humanity.
Its been a long while since I have been involved in a three-way family argument.
Years I'd say. Sure, I deal with my mother multiple times a week over the phone, ...
but this... this was different.

I wanted to run over to them, shake them and remind them how fleeting this life really is, how fragile we are. LOVE. For goodness' sake... LOVE.
I am not sure if it was the language they were speaking in, or the actual words they were saying... but something about this argument... these words... they were razor sharp.
So sharp, I could feel them cutting in... deeper and deeper. With their double edged tongues, they kept going. You could hear the hurt in their voices. If only I could understand what they were saying... then again, did I really want to know?

I wanted to pull away from the wall- yes, at this point I was eagerly and nosily pressed up against the wall. Typical woman. I can totally see Kerri doing the same thing. She meddles almost as much as I do. I love it. I couldn't leave... eventually I was feeling so burnt out and hopeless I had to. I rushed out of my apartment, for if I heard any more, I might have actually knocked on their door to mediate.

But it really hit me. We spend so much energy in these heated moments... for what?

I felt awful. I was reminded of all the awful things I have said to people I love.
It is never simply the words said, but how they are said. I can be a cruel, cruel woman.
I have been. On too many an occasion. Our hearts are so delicate... branded with scars from the journey... I should have held my tongue. Shut my mouth. Stopped thinking about my damn self for one stinking moment and sat and looked at the person I loved so much, that I was so quickly tearing to shreds.
Who am I anyway?
You are golden.
You're a marigold... I am weeds.
Especially with that mouth of mine.

If you happen to be reading this... and I have snorted off to you at some point or another.
Forgive me.
Life is too short.
I do love each and every one of you DEARLY.
Maybe next time... I will remember that.

I hope they resolved their issues, whatever they may be.
And I hope at the end of the day... when the silence takes us over,
love will lie heavy on our hearts. Not the circumstancial kind, or the
self satisfying kind...
but the love he showed us.
And as we lie there... to remember..

I don't deserve a single ounce.

But I will try to give, give, give.

That's how it was supposed to be.
That I am sure of.

sooo.... last night was... fun.

Even hurricanes have feelings.

Listening to: Here Comes the Sun -The Beatles

Dear Gustav and friends,

Thank you for the cool weather.
It really feels nice, and makes me smile.
I am able to open my windows in my office,
and it makes my day so much brighter!
However, I think we need to have a chit chat.

I really do encourage you guys to take it easy...
Let's not be so dramatic and destructive.
Surely you can find something else to do
with your time. I mean really... is it so
necessary to destroy everything
and put people out of their homes?
How would you feel if I made you leave?

I think someone has some self esteem issues.
We can talk about this.
Its ok, we have all been there.
I know, I know... you're a bit large...
but you have alot going for you.
Maybe try some yoga for that anger?
Works wonders with me.
It will change your physique, too!

Before it you'll be a whole new....

Well, anyways. Just keep it in mind.
And guys... seriously. You know my number.
Next time you're stumbling upon a fit of rage...
Call me. I'll help you with your breathing excercises.

Love,
Taylor

These times are a changin'

I can smell it!
FALL!!!!

So excited! There is something about this day... the first cool day after a hot summer.

I remember being a little girl on the playground on this day... It put an extra pep in my step. I get all giddy and girly inside and it makes me antsy!

I would love nothing more than to go put on a swirly twirly dress, with my fabulous satin ballet flats from Banana and dance around in the street for hours. Skipping, and hopping, twirling about without a care in the world. THAT is what cool weather does to me. I LOVE it. Is it time to go pick out a pumpkin from the patch yet?!

I also cannot contain my excitement any longer... The Friend's Fall Calendar is officially here!

SO many events. This will definitely be my favorite season EVER.

What on earth should I be for Halloween?!

Its not far away, friends... not far at all.

So much love!

ciao!

66,000 miles.

Listening to: Into the Great Wide Open -Tom Petty




A warning sign


I missed the good part then I realised


That I started looking and the bubble burst


I started looking for excuses





Come on in,


I've got to tell you what a state I'm in


I've got to tell you in my loudest tones


That I started looking for a warning sign


When the truth is I miss you


Yeah the truth is


That I miss you so





A warning sign


You came back to haunt me and I realised


That you were an island and I passed you by


When you were an island to discover





Come on in,


I've got to tell you what a state I'm in


I've got to tell you in my loudest tones


That I started looking for a warning sign





And the truth is I miss you


Yeah the truth is


I miss you so


And I'm tired


I should not have let you go





So I crawl back into your open arms


Yes I crawl back into your open arms


And I crawl back into your open arms


Yes I crawl back into your open arms











I miss you so very much.


Nights are tricky.


For some reason when I went to pick up my life from the Maxwell's...


There was a bag of your clothes.


I haven't been able to get rid of them yet.


Soon. Hopefully.








I can't help but feel as if I made a terrible mistake.


I took a wrong turn.


And then you took a trip.


Now you're gone.

There is so much I would change.


I do hope you are happy, and feel loved...and safe.

Its so hard to believe it has been six months.
It slipped away so quickly.

It will get better, I know this.
I just miss you.
I painted my nails a very girly peachy pink last night. You would have noticed.
I will see you in my dreams, and hopefully talk tomorrow online for a minute.
I hate that we don't even share the same day.

Just plain dumb.
Australia.
Pfft.
Who goes there anyways.
:)
I promise I do hope you are having the time of your life!
Play and sing your heart out lovely!
I can't wait to hear the album.
So very very proud.

Cheers!

Home again, Home again

Listening to: Over My Head by The Fray per Pandora----> (amazing)
Home.

God it feels good.

I can breathe.
Sleep soundly.

Its been a journey to say the least...
This weekend I will be grabbing the last of my things from Flowermound.

A bed.
So thrilled.
MY bed.
Even more amazing.

A BIG thank you to all of my wonderful friends, family.
I am only still standing because of you.

It will be so nice to finally get my life in order. To have a desk. Files. Room... room to paint... room to create, room to think, room to read, space of my own again.

I hear school calling my name so very shortly... and the thought alone makes me want to cry! (happy tears of course!)
I cannot wait to go back to school. SMU? maybe? It all depends on the kind of scholarships they can offer me!


I never saw my life the way it has played out thus far...
BUT
it is what it is.
I will love every stinking moment of it...

Because at the end of the day, its all that's left.
:)

Still too close to you...

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity
For leaving I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am a highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars
Don't wait for me
Cause I'll get on
All by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
The night

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

Listening to: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Motion.
Revolving.
Constant.

Blur.

Its all gone by so fast, and I find myself standing still for a moment to catch my breath.
I am searching for stability... trusting it will come soon.

Church is finally becoming something familiar.
It has taken time, but I am beginning to feel a sense of belonging, acceptance, dare I say love?

More than likely, that comfort has been there all along, I was simply too self involved to feel it.

I have stumbled upon an amazing group, and learned so much.
I have re-vamped my definition of community...
So refreshing.

FAMILY.
It feels good.

I simply cannot get enough of them.

Deep Waters

Listening to: Zoe Keating

Here's to five years... I finally put the pen on paper. Being that it has been so long since I have attempted to write anything worth reading, please- for my sake, go easy on me :)
Here goes nothing.


Will anything stop this monotonous drive that keeps the blood flowing ...the thoughts playing over and over like a tragic play that leaves you unsatisfied with its ending?

I have been treading these dark waters for days...the days turn to weeks, which bend to months and years... still... treading... fighting... and yet for what?

The questions flood my brain... to the brim until they spill over onto the pages of this un satiating book... I am writing a story... with every tear, every smile, every youthful lighthearted laugh.. and yet the pages seem empty.

This heavy novel is lack lustre.. its missing its plot, the meaning of it all, which might make sense of this disaster called life... 'twere it there.
Nonethe 'less, I fill these pages with the bleeding emotions that compose my aching heart.

What is? Why? And how did I find myself here? In this void of a life?

Lacking a meaning for which it thrives... still beats...
a heavy, constant drumming... still beating... never ceasing...

Was it all truly supposed to be this way? At the ripe age of twenty I find myself longing to be picked- fruitful and ready to begin a rich demise.
Yet here I lay amongst the thriving leaves and branches of these beautiful oxygen filled and life giving trees.

Beautiful and fleeting. Sweet but all too soon turned sour.

Much like the Russian cigarette that delicately rests between my tired fingers, I am fading all too fast... too soon to be enjoyed.. and too soon tossed aside to burn out alone.
I find myself longing for more... unsatisfied with the reality of what is.
Does it get better?
I smell the sweet air and I feel it against my bare skin.. yet I can't quite grasp it...the air... I am gasping... treading... treading... treading...
Now the only question left is do I sink or swim...