For Goodness' sake, Love.

Listening to: Viva la Vida by Coldplay.

Today was... long.
5225 Maple is being audited...
I volunteered to help out, so I worked on my day off.
Excel can...bug off.

I was exhausted when I got home, fell asleep.
Mom called and woke me up, and I had nothing to do really,
so I picked up a book.

One of six that I am reading.
If only I could finish one!

I just began Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.
I know, I know, I am a little behind... but I am catching up.
Slowly.

I am enjoying it, it's definitely an easy read. His style is entertaining, not so dry.
As far as his views on Christianity and the whole bit, ... well, we will see.

I am finding myself still very torn between the relationship I once had with the Church,
and the less Fundamental views I have recently begun molding to.
I realize it takes time. But this state of Limbo is a bit uncomfortable.
Not that I believe for one second, that I am on this earth to feel comfortable.

Religion itself is a game of Russian Roulette...

There is just so much out there...

I have so much to read to even begin to grasp where I stand on the basic issues of the Church.
I don't feel I am well rounded or well read enough to make an educated stance.
I'm getting there.

Anyways,
My whole point of bringing up today's events was to get into what happened as I was reading.
Its not often I can appreciate silence... or tolerate it for very long.
No matter how necessary it is- which I believe it to be very much so...
I am absolutely terrified of it. (That's another blog for another day)

Today, however, I was enjoying it.
And then it was interrupted.
Figures.

But what happened next still leaves my stomach unsettled hours later.
I heard my neighbors arguing.
I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, yeah... okay?

They are of an asian ethnicity, and were yelling in their own language.
As I was walking through the bathroom to pinpoint the noise... I froze.

My heart began to hurt.
Deeply.
What started out as a dull throb, quickly grew to a sharp and numbing sensation.
It literally hurt for these people. And not just this family, but for all of humanity.
Its been a long while since I have been involved in a three-way family argument.
Years I'd say. Sure, I deal with my mother multiple times a week over the phone, ...
but this... this was different.

I wanted to run over to them, shake them and remind them how fleeting this life really is, how fragile we are. LOVE. For goodness' sake... LOVE.
I am not sure if it was the language they were speaking in, or the actual words they were saying... but something about this argument... these words... they were razor sharp.
So sharp, I could feel them cutting in... deeper and deeper. With their double edged tongues, they kept going. You could hear the hurt in their voices. If only I could understand what they were saying... then again, did I really want to know?

I wanted to pull away from the wall- yes, at this point I was eagerly and nosily pressed up against the wall. Typical woman. I can totally see Kerri doing the same thing. She meddles almost as much as I do. I love it. I couldn't leave... eventually I was feeling so burnt out and hopeless I had to. I rushed out of my apartment, for if I heard any more, I might have actually knocked on their door to mediate.

But it really hit me. We spend so much energy in these heated moments... for what?

I felt awful. I was reminded of all the awful things I have said to people I love.
It is never simply the words said, but how they are said. I can be a cruel, cruel woman.
I have been. On too many an occasion. Our hearts are so delicate... branded with scars from the journey... I should have held my tongue. Shut my mouth. Stopped thinking about my damn self for one stinking moment and sat and looked at the person I loved so much, that I was so quickly tearing to shreds.
Who am I anyway?
You are golden.
You're a marigold... I am weeds.
Especially with that mouth of mine.

If you happen to be reading this... and I have snorted off to you at some point or another.
Forgive me.
Life is too short.
I do love each and every one of you DEARLY.
Maybe next time... I will remember that.

I hope they resolved their issues, whatever they may be.
And I hope at the end of the day... when the silence takes us over,
love will lie heavy on our hearts. Not the circumstancial kind, or the
self satisfying kind...
but the love he showed us.
And as we lie there... to remember..

I don't deserve a single ounce.

But I will try to give, give, give.

That's how it was supposed to be.
That I am sure of.